How crazy is it that you can stroll into any one of a number of different restaurants and stroll out three minutes later with dinner ready for you, the kids, the dog, and an apple pie for munching on the couch? Imagine explaining fast-food to someone from pre-historic times. Their minds would probably explode in a poof of purple smoke.
It really is a miracle.
[Sidebar: I used to work in fast food. I am never happier than when that pimpled 15-year old kid leans out of the drive-thru window and cringes as he tells me it’s gonna be another four minutes. You know what that means? That means you are going to be getting something fresh outta the fryer, baby. I do not understand the person who pretends like that four minutes is going to ruin his life and he wants those cold fries ASAP, damn it!]
The problem starts when people begin to map that fast-food culture onto other areas of their lives.
Job hunting, for example.
[I know. Who woulda thunk we would pivot to this theme? Also, ok, fine, the problem also starts with getting cold fries, but that’s not the point I am trying to make.]
In much the same way there are different type of restaurants, there are also different job categories that your garden-variety employment agency may or may not staff. There are day-labor jobs where you call in on a daily basis to see if they have work that day. [Or go stand outside the local 7-11 at 6am. Oh. Was that too much? Sorry-not-sorry.] There are temp jobs that last a few weeks or few months. Then, there are contract-to-hire jobs, which is the type of work that we staff, that are fundamentally long-term probationary periods with the end goal of getting hired by the company provided you don't go out of your way to get yourself fired.
See what I mean? Alllll kinds of jobs out there in the big, wide world. Just like there are alllll kinds of restaurants.
I usually enjoy when people call in and ask, “Do y’all have jobs?”
Um, yes. That is literally what we do. We hire people for jobs.
When I am in a good mood and I field this question, my utoboot programming will kick in, and I will reply with a, “We are currently hiring. What kind of work are you looking for?”
However, I did say that I “usually” enjoy it when someone asks a moronic question. There are other days when someone asks me if we have jobs, and I answer, “Yes” and then sit there, silent. Far more often than not, this effectively ends the conversation for several long seconds. Bear in mind that the silence does not make me uncomfortable whatsoever.
Common response: “Well, what kinda jobs you got?”
Again depending on my mood, I will offer either a very broad rundown of the type of positions we have available or a response along the lines of “Contract-to-hire work, but I’m not going to go through every single position we have available. If you aren’t sure what you’re interested in, what shift, what location, or any other preference, I highly recommend you take a look at our available positions online and apply to those that interest you.”
What amuses me about these kinds of people is that many of them treat their job hunt like a café order. I get a lot of “I’ll take that one” in response to a discussion that (in my mind) is intended to provide a general overview of the position or types of positions available.
Ok, that’s not how this works.
In the three minutes I’ve been on the phone with you, I have your name, phone number, and (maybe) job preferences. If you’re interested in X position, we’re going to need to do an actual phone interview where we discuss your job history, you answer open-ended questions, and I determine whether you would be a fit for that position or our company in general. If I decide you’re a fit, then you go on to do hiring paperwork, we run a background check, drug screen, and any of a number of additional miscellaneous details to confirm you are (still) a fit. If and only if all of that comes back clear, then we will discuss scheduling your first day. Not before.
If you’re looking for work now, I recommend you call a fast-food restaurant day-labor agency. Contract-to-hire agencies are not places you can just call up and order a job like you would your morning coffee. We have a menu job board listing what's currently available, sure, but we sure as heck aren’t going to get you out the door in three minutes flat. It's a process. It takes time. You want your instant job coffee? Go to a day-labor place. You want your large, iced espresso with oat milk, a pump of hazelnut, three shots of upside-down signature espresso roast, blended, add spiced apple drizzle, cold foam, cinnamon powder, and whipped cream? Apply to one of our contract-to-hire positions.
[Sidebar: I don't drink coffee and had to pull up a website that offered different ways to customize one's coffee order. To the coffee snobs out there, I don't care if it doesn't make sense. It's only a metaphor. If you go out on a limb, try it. If it's good, then you're welcome.]
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