I recently survived an assassination attempt. Mother Nature, herself, sent microscopic assassins to off me, but I prevailed!
If you're not following, let me rephrase: I was sick.
I'm not talking 'feeling under the weather' or 'not feeling well' sick, but sick sick. As in: sleep on the bathroom floor for hours; lose ten pounds in under 24 hours; still freeze under two comforters and a down blanket while wearing a sweatshirt, pants, and fuzzy socks over your normal pjs. Did I mention I was sick?
“Oh, no! How many days did you have to call in to work?”
None. I didn’t call in a single day. You know why? Because Yours Truly was on vacation! That’s right. Mother nature tried to kill me on vacation. (Well, stay-cation, but still. I wasn’t working.) Yeah. Just my luck. Spent more than half my vacation sick, and the other half attempting to recover before diving back into work. Great. Superb. I’m not bitter at all.
No doubt because of my recent coronation on the porcelain throne, I’m sitting here thinking about the people who call off of work sick. It’s a bit of a complicated story, these days, isn’t it? COVID hammered home the concept of staying home so that you don’t infect the rest of the office with your germs. Prior to COVID, America seemed to exalt those office warriors who showed up for work covered in snot and dirty tissues, spraying fluids out of every orifice as though they were the second coming of Christ.
“Power through!” I believe it was called. <insert some kind of manly hoo-hah noise>
Then, COVID, and bam. Different story.
But, there is still the concept of “sick” versus sick. I’m a pessimist, so I tend to assume sick-of-the-air-quotes variety as opposed to sick-with-germs-that-you-shouldn’t-share variety. Then, naturally, my subconscious is a masochist, so I find myself in my job where one has to take a lot of calls for people who aren’t going to work because they’re “sick.”
Frankly, in my line of work, if they were legitimately sick, odds are good they wouldn’t bother calling in at all.
I can guarantee you that 95% of those people are 'not feeling well' because of external factors: headaches on Monday morning are very common (wink wink). "I have a headache, so I can't go to work." Well, you can. Take an ibuprofen and go. Maybe think about hydrating as part of your tear-‘em-up Sunday poker night. Or move the poker night to Saturday?
“I hurt my back,” is another good one. That tends to be more of a Friday excuse, though. Such a bummer when you hurt your back right before the weekend.
What the fools don't understand is that if you really want to convince someone, you call in on a Tuesday. Or a Thursday. No one calls in on a Thursday and then shows up for work the next day, so you must have been sick. Right?
Anyway. I pity the poor souls who end up sick on a Monday or a Friday. Rest assured as you stagger back to your nest of crumpled tissues and stinking trash cans that whomever you talked to back in the office is going to be judging you.
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